Snow Day

Today has been rather lazy. Work was cancelled; the university closed due to the ice and snow. It’s kind of irritating; I moved back South to get away from the cold weather . But, despite where I move, it seems to keep following me. Last year it snowed four or five times in Jackson, Mississippi. One of those was rather severe: 4” of snow. While in Detroit that level of accumulation would be laughable, that’s a HUGE deal for the Deep South. It also snowed on Christmas Day here in Birmingham, and while at home in Columbia – we celebrated a white 1st day of Kwanza.

The storm that started yesterday was far from severe. It was big for Alabama, but my years in Michigan and DC have changed my perspective on winter weather. This morning I awoke to ½” of snow outside my window, overtop of a layer of ice. The ice, obviously, being the most severe. My Northern friends will laugh at the fact that I didn’t have to go to work, but Alabamians are unaccustomed to any form of winter weather, so nothing had been salted, and the roads were rather treacherous for drivers not familiar with winter weather. And, truth be told, probably for those familiar with winter weather as well.

While I have driven in snow and ice, I was still hesitant to leave. For one, I’m not sure where I put my ice scraper. For two, any other drivers on the road would probably not be used to snow. For three, any accumulation of ice on roadways can be dangerous – if not deadly.

I was reminded of a time back in undergrad. We had quite a heavy snowstorm, unusually heavy for that area of South Carolina. As usual, the county had no way to quickly plow streets and there wasn’t a budget for salting, so the roads – even major highways and Interstates – were covered and abandoned. There were several Northerners on campus, all of whom were smart enough to stay inside their dorms, drink cocoa, and later have a snowball fight on the quad with their friends. We were snowbound for a few days, however, and people were becoming restless.

One group of people became restless far before the masses, and they were determined to make it to a movie theatre about 45 minutes south in Columbia. Columbia didn’t have nearly as much snow as we did, and if they could make it out of our county, a world of trendy shopping districts, dining, and cinema awaited. It seemed to be their personal Emerald City at the end of the Yellow Brick Road. The only problem was the roads.

This is where their fearless leader stepped in. Her name was Anne (not her real name). She was from New Jersey (really this time), and assumed that because of her Northern upbringing – she could easily drive in the snow. So her and her friends packed into her car. They made it off campus and out of the city just fine, but then they hit the Interstate. The Interstate had not been plowed, and very few cars had gone before them, so all that lay in the miles ahead was mostly blanketed in brilliant white.

Anne plowed ahead, and they were making great time, and getting closer and closer to the county line. That’s when, according to her, a 35 mph gust of wind picked up her car and spun it into the wire barricade in the median. The cops had a slightly different view on the event, and said it was clear she had been driving too fast for conditions, and should have listened to the news anchors. No one was supposed to be on the roads – except in case of emergencies, and campus boredom was not an emergency. Everyone was fine, (except for her car – and her parents when they later learned she had tried to drive on an unplowed Interstate, and totaled her vehicle while risking not only her life, but the lives of her friends). Unfortunately, however, this crew was not too bright, and the car accident had not put to bed their restlessness.

Insisting that it had been the wind, and could not have possibly been her driving, Anne and her friends – once back on campus – acquired another vehicle and tried again. Again, they made it off campus and through the city, and once again they made it onto the Interstate. This time they were in a bulky minivan, because as everyone knows – in comparison to sports cars – minivans are less susceptible to wind gusts. Once again they were making great time, considering, until unexplainably ANOTHER 35mph gust of wind came out of nowhere and spun them into the ditch off the shoulder. Her friends gave up on the idea after that. There were others (namely Anne) who wanted to track down a third vehicle, but I think few were willing to sacrifice their cars in service to the wind gusts. Or maybe they realized even Northerners shouldn’t be driving long distances on unsalted ice and snow, but I digress.

Here it must be known that Anne often made fun of Southerners. She, like a lot of people, assumed that Northerners are more intelligent. However, Southerners weren’t the ones who tried to drive that day. A few Southerners were dumb enough to believe that a Northerner could take on the dangerous roads. That mistake, however, was never made again, and from that day on - every time she insisted she could drive in snow – eyes visibly rolled.

I also need to note that this Southerner kept his ass on campus until the roads were clear. I was not about to climb into any vehicle with those people. My Southern father didn’t raise no fool. Also, I found her to be a pretentious bitch, so there’s that…

So today, when I thought about possibly going out, I remembered Anne. I was not about to be the guy who had once lived in ice and snow, and therefore thought he was somehow magically able to traverse miles of unsalted and unplowed streets. I had seen where that gets you, and I didn’t have a back-up minivan. I parked my ass on the couch, watched trashy TV, stayed in my PJs, drank some cocoa, and played with Joey. Of course if I had gone out, and wrecked my car, I could have always blamed it on a 35 mph gust of wind. I mean these Alabamians would never know the difference, right?