Threat Level Tara Reid

I know I'm not the only one who doesn't care for the color system for terrorist attacks issued by Homeland Security post 9/11. The system as seen to the left goes through a series of colors: red through green, indicative of our current "threat level." The system is just specific enough to be understandable, yet just vague enough to be quite an effective fear-mongering technique, especially when coupled with word choices like "significant," "severe," "guarded," "general," and "elevated." All of these words are as specifically vague as the colors. I don't know about you, but I'm not exactly sure of what constitutes a "general risk" of a terrorist attack.

It's clear, if you examine the color system, however, that the person who did this had little understanding of colors. If he/she had more understanding - (you know, like the average kindergartner's level) he/she would have reversed green and blue - making it how it appears in a rainbow.

On a more scientific level, blue is a cool color, it is recessive to the eye. Green, because it has yellow in it, best belongs between yellow and blue. Green is a neutral and can be pushed either direction - toward the aggressive warmth - or toward the recessive cool. Blue cannot do this - blue will always be cool. This leaves quite an odd discrepancy to the system. Why is green a lower threat level than blue?

For that matter, why is green on a threat level scale at all? (I guess terrorists could be envious of us.) Other than green with envy and pale green being a color of death (see Revelations) green is typically a color of balance - a color of Earth and harmony. It's all in how it is used, and when the negative connotations of green are brought about, green is typically used in conjunction with other colors like black (never in a rainbow). Green at its heart is a soothing color, natural and neutral (like Switzerland). I guess I could see it being at the bottom, but blue still cannot be placed before it.

Blues are the most relaxing of the colors, sometimes too much so. Too many blues can be depressing, and zap the energy out of a person. Why then is Blue on a terror scale? It makes less sense than Green. Blue is the anti-terror, if things are so calm it's actually depressing - I doubt we'd have to worry about terrorists.

Here I have a proposal: to avoid confusion, we just need to eliminate the color system all together, and go with something I think we can all agree on: irritating celebrities! In my new system, I have used obnoxiously horrible bad female celebrities in what I think is a much less confusing system. Instead of Green to Red we now have Tori Spelling to Lindsay Lohan.


I chose these celebrities because to me, their names better signify threat level scales than their color counterparts. For those still in love with the color system, though, I retooled it to put blue on the bottom, and to also indicate that blue isn't a very severe threat, neither is green. Paris Hilton has a General Level of Annoyance, so she is in the center at Yellow. Above her is Tara Reid at Orange because she's unpredictable, unstable, can cause an extreme ruckus, likely to go at any moment, and is without a modicum of talent.

Lindsay Lohan tops the list for the same reasons as Tara Reid, with the exception that she has a modicum of talent. Crazy backed by talent makes it all the more disturbing and powerful, and thus threat level Lindsay Lohan makes a perfect replacement for threat level severe.

Tila Tequila ranks at the green level, because like green, she could go either way. Blue is Tori Spelling, because apart from her depressing acting ability she is generally benign. If she's not in a major role, we really have nothing to be depressed about, and thus she makes a great replacement for threat level low.

Think of it this way. Which of the following is clearer? The US Department of Homeland Security has placed us at threat level orange, or the US Department of Homeland Security has placed us at threat level Tara Reid. I know I get a much greater sense of urgency with Tara Reid. Orange just makes me hungry.

There is a trump card here, or a designation which is not on the standard threat level scale. This means something is imminent or in progress. It is the infra-red of threat levels, which cannot be depicted on the standard color system. This is serious. This is threat level Courtney Love.

Moving Motivation and Derailed Neuroses

I'm the kind of person who really needs motivation to get something accomplished. If I'm working on a project, I need to have deadlines, and reminders of said deadlines. When my students want something from me (outside my normal realm of everyday activity) - like a recommendation letter or to bring something in for a project they are working on in another class - I ask them to harass me about it. "Send me at least three e-mails a day," I say. "Remind me every time you see me." These reminders motivate me, because ( and I know you would never have guessed this) I am easily annoyed, so I perform the task in order for the reminders to stop.

Right now I'm moving, (I'm heavy into Phase 2, for those keeping score) but I seem to have a hard time getting motivated to clean or to actually empty the apartment. I packed my car today, and it held about as much as I expected it to, so I'm right along with the plan, and I'm doing great on time. I still have 28 days to finish moving, and all of my tchotchkes, paintings, photographs, books, dvds, and bookcases are either in my car or already in SC. Most of my lamps are packed - only three remain, and almost all my dishes (after I empty the dishwasher later - all the dishes).

What's left? Good question: my art trunk, my bedroom set, my clothes, my living room chairs, 3 lamps, Joey's large cage, my TV and radio, and my pots and pans. That will all easily fit into the moving truck during Phase 3. So, why do I feel behind? Why do I feel that I need motivation? Probably because the apartment is looking rather ransacked at the moment - with boxes and whatnot scattered helter skelter and everything out of place.

I like to keep my living spaces rather tidy. The tidiness of my living spaces is often indicative of my stress level. If I am not stressed my apartment looks lived in, but very clean and relatively clutter free. There are magazines on the tables, and maybe a drink glass on a coaster, but everything is where it belongs. If I am stressed, clutter begins to accumulate. If I am so stressed that I can barely hold myself together (i.e. threat level Tara Reid) - house keeping is the first thing to go. It's moments like this when chaos ensues and clutter overwhelms the spaces. It's different for work spaces - which are generally always cluttered (I'm a right brain person) - but living space organization is a good barometer for my stress. Right now, you would think I am barely breathing, the apartment is just - whoa crazy, did you bypass Tara Reid and go straight to Lindsay Lohan? (except for the bedroom which is immaculate! I have to have something. FYI, I'll explain my threat level system in Friday's blog post. Be sure to check it out; it'll be a good one).

Since I'm not stressed, but my apartment looks like I am - there is an odd disconnect. I feel like I should be stressed, and I feel like I must not be doing something because I'm not stressed. This makes me hunt for motivation, but I have a hard time finding it, because I'm on schedule. I'm doing everything according to plan, and there is no need for external motivation. This being on schedule overhwelms my gutteral urge to move faster (I must be going too slow with all this clutter), and thus I come to a stand still.

That may sound crazy, but we all have individual neuroses, and mine are all confused at the moment - derailed, if you will. So now, I am going to give myself some motivation: tonight I will clean up some of the mess I have made from moving. I will get done what I can, but not overwhelm myself. My priorities being the living room and the guest room. Now that I've shared my goal with all of you, hopefully I'll stick to it. I should. I think publicly announcing my goals may be what I need to get my neuroses back on track.

Following up with yesterday's post, I've posted a photo of the new 'do. Be sure to check it out. I won't be posting tomorrow, because I'll be driving all day, but be sure to come back Friday!