Threat Level Tara Reid

I know I'm not the only one who doesn't care for the color system for terrorist attacks issued by Homeland Security post 9/11. The system as seen to the left goes through a series of colors: red through green, indicative of our current "threat level." The system is just specific enough to be understandable, yet just vague enough to be quite an effective fear-mongering technique, especially when coupled with word choices like "significant," "severe," "guarded," "general," and "elevated." All of these words are as specifically vague as the colors. I don't know about you, but I'm not exactly sure of what constitutes a "general risk" of a terrorist attack.

It's clear, if you examine the color system, however, that the person who did this had little understanding of colors. If he/she had more understanding - (you know, like the average kindergartner's level) he/she would have reversed green and blue - making it how it appears in a rainbow.

On a more scientific level, blue is a cool color, it is recessive to the eye. Green, because it has yellow in it, best belongs between yellow and blue. Green is a neutral and can be pushed either direction - toward the aggressive warmth - or toward the recessive cool. Blue cannot do this - blue will always be cool. This leaves quite an odd discrepancy to the system. Why is green a lower threat level than blue?

For that matter, why is green on a threat level scale at all? (I guess terrorists could be envious of us.) Other than green with envy and pale green being a color of death (see Revelations) green is typically a color of balance - a color of Earth and harmony. It's all in how it is used, and when the negative connotations of green are brought about, green is typically used in conjunction with other colors like black (never in a rainbow). Green at its heart is a soothing color, natural and neutral (like Switzerland). I guess I could see it being at the bottom, but blue still cannot be placed before it.

Blues are the most relaxing of the colors, sometimes too much so. Too many blues can be depressing, and zap the energy out of a person. Why then is Blue on a terror scale? It makes less sense than Green. Blue is the anti-terror, if things are so calm it's actually depressing - I doubt we'd have to worry about terrorists.

Here I have a proposal: to avoid confusion, we just need to eliminate the color system all together, and go with something I think we can all agree on: irritating celebrities! In my new system, I have used obnoxiously horrible bad female celebrities in what I think is a much less confusing system. Instead of Green to Red we now have Tori Spelling to Lindsay Lohan.


I chose these celebrities because to me, their names better signify threat level scales than their color counterparts. For those still in love with the color system, though, I retooled it to put blue on the bottom, and to also indicate that blue isn't a very severe threat, neither is green. Paris Hilton has a General Level of Annoyance, so she is in the center at Yellow. Above her is Tara Reid at Orange because she's unpredictable, unstable, can cause an extreme ruckus, likely to go at any moment, and is without a modicum of talent.

Lindsay Lohan tops the list for the same reasons as Tara Reid, with the exception that she has a modicum of talent. Crazy backed by talent makes it all the more disturbing and powerful, and thus threat level Lindsay Lohan makes a perfect replacement for threat level severe.

Tila Tequila ranks at the green level, because like green, she could go either way. Blue is Tori Spelling, because apart from her depressing acting ability she is generally benign. If she's not in a major role, we really have nothing to be depressed about, and thus she makes a great replacement for threat level low.

Think of it this way. Which of the following is clearer? The US Department of Homeland Security has placed us at threat level orange, or the US Department of Homeland Security has placed us at threat level Tara Reid. I know I get a much greater sense of urgency with Tara Reid. Orange just makes me hungry.

There is a trump card here, or a designation which is not on the standard threat level scale. This means something is imminent or in progress. It is the infra-red of threat levels, which cannot be depicted on the standard color system. This is serious. This is threat level Courtney Love.