If there was one thing that I truly learned during Phase 3 of the move, its that I have a lead foot. Truthfully, I've known this for quite sometime, but this last road trip really brought my need for speed to light. There were moments during the trip when I found myself well over 90 - approaching 100 - in 65 to 70 mph zones. I always slow back down, but there is something about driving over 85 that feels so right.
It begins as a gradual acceleration. I rarely intend to travel that far above the speed limit. (I do normally drive about 10 mph over the speed limit, but who doesn't on the Interstate?) I even set the cruise control, so I can stay at a constant speed, but my damn lead foot eases onto the pedal - without my knowledge - and before I know it - I am 15 mph over my cruise control speed.
Ironically the increases in acceleration tend to occur because I've slowed down. If I have to break my cruise control speed because I can't pass a Slobodon (my word for people who drive too slow), I reaccelerate quickly back up to speed, but before I remember to reset the cruise control - I have eased my lead foot back into position - and have slowly pushed my speed into the 90s.
I know why I have this problem; it stems from the simple fact that if I'm driving below 75, I feel like I'm standing still - especially on the Interstate. I expect to go slower in certain locations (like parking lots - or in front of schools, but on the Interstate where there are no children or old ladies with frozen foods, I want to go. I do slow down when I hit road construction zones (I don't want to be responsible for hurting a road construction worker), but I long for the open roadways where I can just let my foot slowly sink down on the accelerator.
I feel like the German Autobahn with its advisory speed limit (80mph), but no official speed limit, would be the perfect driving environment for me. There I wouldn't have to worry about how fast I was going, or slow down rapidly when I discover I'm driving at least 20 miles over the speed limit. Yet another reason I feel a strong connection to Europe and Europeans.
The problem extends beyond the Interstate, however. I have recently caught myself driving 60 in a 35. If I feel like I'm standing still while driving below 75, I feel like I'm going backwards if I'm driving under 50. I'm like the Red Queen from Lewis Carroll's Through the Looking Glass, a chess piece who must run as fast as she can in order to stand still (and even faster to get somewhere). Alice is baffled by her, but I completely understand her. There are times when I feel like the world is spinning so quickly that I must go faster and faster just to catch up - just to stand still.
There are other times, when I do not feel like the Red Queen, but nonetheless need to go faster and faster. In these moments I feel like the world moves too slowly, and I have too much potential energy to stand still. I have too much stored within me to not move faster and faster until my right foot hits the floorboard and the landscape zooms past. This is generally where I find myself when other drivers are present.
It's an odd paradox that both of these conflicting feelings would produce the same end product, but it is true for me never the less. I just hope this paradox won't lead to a speeding ticket, but I feel that if I continue down this path, the speeding ticket is inevitable. I can't think of a police officer that wouldn't stop me for going 20+ mph over the limit, and I know that if I were a cop I would probably stop me too.
How can I feel that the speed limit is fast enough? How can I change this mindset? Is there some magical solution for me to realize that I'm not standing still at 75? Maybe I need to find another way to stimulate my brain, so that my foot doesn't take over and decide to go faster. How much brain stimulation is okay though while driving? Shouldn't the mind be focused on the road?
I'm very focused, and when I'm speeding I oddly feel more focused. Everything seems to be coming at me with clarity. The Universe finally seems to make sense. If I go slower, I feel I may get careless - I may lose focus as clarity slips further and further from me. I know experts would argue that I am most at risk when speeding, but how does that explain the rush of clarity? Why do I feel safer? Why do I feel more at peace? Why do speeds below 75 feel dangerous? Is there a need for speed in my brain? Am I somehow addicted to the clarity I receive from going faster?
I do slow down, however, when I realize I am going too fast. I slow down quite a bit, reset my cruise; and for a period of time, I travel at an acceptable speed. My brain knows to slow down, but my right foot disagrees. Is it possible that my brain is fighting my addiction, but my foot wants it? My body - my being - pushes my consciousness out of the way - and makes the decision for me. The lead foot chases clarity.
There must be an internal struggle - the need for speed versus the understanding that the speed can kill. Why else would this be a dilema? I would just drive well over 80mph and not give a shit. I would enjoy the clarity, and continue to chase the speed until the speed consumed me - until the inevitable ticket or accident. Instead I fight the urge, I recognize it as a danger, but I can't seem to shake the feelings that either I'm moving too slowly or the world is moving too slowly. What is clear, is that I really need to find a new way to chase clarity. I must overcome the lead foot.
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